Empathy Versus Sympathy: Which Brings Us Closer?
Empathy and sympathy are often assumed to mean the same thing—but when you’re the one suffering, they feel very different to receive.
In fact, when you’re going through something hard, empathy and sympathy can feel as different as being handed a warm blanket or a cold, wet towel.
This is because sympathy keeps us at a distance and can make us feel more alone, but empathy brings us closer to others and strengthens our feelings of connection.
Let’s break it down:
Sympathy = feeling something about someone.
Empathy = feeling something with someone.
Sympathy is about how you feel in response to someone else’s suffering.
For example, let’s say your friend just went through something tragic. You might feel worried about them, sad for them, guilty that your life is going okay, or scared imagining what it would be like if the same thing happened to you.
These are feelings of sympathy. It’s not wrong to feel them. But sympathy is focused on your emotions.
Empathy is different. It’s about tuning into what they are feeling.
Let’s say again that your friend just went through something tragic. You might feel sympathy at first, but then you get curious. What is it like for them? How are they experiencing this moment?
You show up and sit beside them. You listen actively to what it’s been like for them.
Here’s a few things you could say to get the conversation started:
“What has this been like for you?”
“What’s the most difficult part?”
“Tell me more.”
To be empathetic is to find out what they are feeling and to feel those things with them.
How Do I “Feel With” Someone Else?
Some people ask me, "What if I don't feel the way they do— do I have to fake it?" The good news is, you don’t.
Empathy isn’t about pretending to feel something you don’t or having lived through the exact same experience. It’s about connecting with the emotion underneath the situation.
If you look beneath the surface of any experience, you’ll find emotions that you can relate to. Even if you would react differently or don’t immediately understand their perspective, you can still resonate with the core feelings—like fear, disappointment, joy, or loss—if you’re willing to slow down, stay curious, and try to understand what they are experiencing.
Here’s an example:
Imagine that your friend’s beloved pet lizard just died. Maybe you’re not a reptile person. The lizard was old, and to you, not especially lovable. So on the surface, the loss doesn’t seem like a big deal.
But if you are curious and listen closely you’ll discover that underneath, your friend is feeling deep sadness, loneliness, and the ache of losing a companion.
You’ve felt those emotions before. You know the heaviness of loss. You know the ache of loneliness. And because you recognize those feelings in yourself, you can connect with your friend—and feel with them.
This is the beginning of an empathetic connection, but there’s a little bit more…
Even though empathy starts inside, it often shows up on the outside, too, and leads us to express kindness:
An arm around a shoulder
A shared tear
A quiet moment with the words “I’m here for you”
A home-cooked meal
An act of helpfulness
Just staying nearby to keep them company
Empathy pulls us closer to others and makes us feel less alone in our suffering.
When sympathy says, “I’m sorry you have to walk down that scary path. You look miserable. I feel bad for you.
Empathy says, “I’m coming with you. This is scary and hard. But we’ll walk together.”
